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NATAL
CURRY CONTEST
If
you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in
Natal, you know how typical
this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
From America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a
Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the
Beer
Garden
when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that
spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1
-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2
-- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3
(Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILLI #2 -
PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN
CURRY...
Judge # 1
-- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1
-- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli
peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium
pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1
-- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3
-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman
is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1
-- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2
-- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3
-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really hacks me off that the
other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1
-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2
-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1
-- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2
-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1
-- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2
-- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3
- No Report. |
